a quick look back....

have you ever looked back at how much you have changed through the yrs?

how much your friends change?

how often people come and go in your life?

i think that it is kinda crazy how fast time flies by us most of the time not really realizing all the changes around us. lately i have been thinking a lot back to some of my really close friends that i was once friends with. it is kinda sad to think that growing up we all think that we are gonna be friends forever....lol! i guess then you realize that you arent really gonna be. it is kinda a bummer sometimes when you get back in touch with someone and you both have changed so much and your lives are so different, but kinda interesting at the same time. hhuummmmmm. but you kinda wish that you were there through all the life stuff. but i still believe that God puts people in our lives and takes them out at certain times..

i still can't believe sometimes how much my life has changed....lol! i have grown into a totally different person then i once was, in a good way....i mean i still have the same sense of humor and joking about me but my priorities are different so i guess my views on somethings are different then when i was younger. but with that said oh how things are so different and it is good to reconnect and look back and see what is new with the people you once did some crazy silly kid stuff with......if that makes any sense to you.....lol!

things coming together

so my plan has taken form so far. i got a part time job, doing the same thing as i was doing (cna) and hoping that it will work out for the time being. now that the job thing is taken care of...i just need to work on the rest of the plan...lol!

so i was thinking of how great it was to be reconnecting with friends after some time of i guess taking a break. it is kinda a breath of fresh air to get to be able to change and come into your own and heal and do the things in life that you need to do and still be able to connect like the days had stopped in between the last time you had spoke to one and other. this past yr i had to do some healing of myself and growing into my own. while doing that i picked up some new people in my life that have been there but werent as close as now. i am highly enjoying there presence in my life. i often wonder how we did not become closer before this time. i do believe that god puts people in our lives and takes them out for a reason. i think that a particular group that we were involved with had sorta took some time off was because we all had things that we needed to change in a way that we kinda needed the space to do so. but i am thinking that in ways unknown to me that we are kinda on a track back to being what we were to start with. i loved the way it was when we first met :) i know that things are different for us all which is great cause we all have something new to bring to the table! i feel like the others that i have bonded with along the way this last yr was what made it easier for me to get through the rough spots that my life had run up on. for them i am sooo grateful for their friendships. it is kinda funny hwo things work out sometimes, but sorta cool at the same time.

so in all this blah blah blah, i have started something new in my life....i am reading now. i was really never a reader by choice. i have never read a whole book in my young adult and adult life. pretty sad i know it. i made a bad choice somewhere along the way, which is strange because my mom is such an avid reader. so one of my favorite people that i earlier talked about had helped push me a bit to read. good thing that she knows me so well cause she started me off with twilight which was intimidating cause if the length of it. i thought oh no this is gonna take me a yr to read...lol! but so far 1wk in and i am more then half way through it. so i am stoked to finally be able to celebrate that i have finally read a whole book....

well for now i am leaving.....

tonight is the last night.....

so tonight is my last night at willow valley....I am thankful for a break but I know that sometime soon I have to be working at least part time... we do need that little but of more income... I have come to realize that this was all harder then I had anticipated it really being. I think that if I had family or friends that could help us out that things would have maybe been a little easier, or that I could even work a different shift knowing that my kiddos are well cared for. but nothing like momma, nothing like taking care of them ourselves! i love my kiddos, even when they drive me crazy...lol! which on the daily they do that...lol!

It was weird cause last night at work I was thinking that wow I am getting ready to start all over again and that kinda stinks but I know that I have to get away from all this negativity...that place is a sewer of gossip and negativity...i really like doing this job and I will def miss some of my residents but I must go and do something else right now...I have to fix the things that I have put off cause if lack of sleep and shit like that. I guess time managment was not really what i needed to learn it was how to not sleep and still be able to function...lol!

ugh working on a new plan...

so the plan was to go back to work......i did so! but i have def failed at it. 3rd shift is soooooooo bad, i knew it was gonna be hard just not that hard.my whole world started to fall apart around me. to tired to think, to tired to feel, too tired to cook, clean, play, read, anything. I can not stand it anymore. i think that i could truely get used to being poor and happy. I mean I know that we can really use the money but come on this is craziness. i feel like the closer i get to leaving the job the happier i feel and the less stress i feel....my mind is truly overwhelmed but the thought of goin to work at night. plus it really doesnt help that i am afraid of the damn dark.....and the people i work with are really creepy at night..not too mention dealing with the dead takes a really special person to do...not that you have to be cold but you really need to not be spooked but anything. def not me.....every time someone died it was like huummm this is weird gonna check it out.......then it was creepy and weird after that...i gotta hand it to the people who take care of the dead it really does take a special person to do it....anyway i know that i am gonna find something that fits what i am looking for...god has a plan for me and i know that. i know that we will survive and that our good god will provide what is needed in our lives for us to get by... having faith has really helped me get through a lot of things this past yr. so my new plan is in progress.......lol! to be continued...lol!

wednesday.....

ugh! well today has been a crappy day. i just feel like i am not doin so good here. my kids were like animals today and i could not seem to get motivated today to do anything. i feel a bit outta touch with the world right now. i have been workin so hard to get things around here done so much so that i am in such a bad mood. 1 i think is cause i cant seem to get a lick of help outta anyone. and 2 because i guess to everyone my things that i want done are kinda irrational to them. i didnt think that i was gonna be the only one who cared about getting the house painted and the yard mowed and the house in order. now i get that some days we are all lazy and or just down right tired. but darn do we get a break. lets just work together and things will stay done. i feel like the harder i try the less anyone cares. i really am doin it for my family but i guess i need to start doin it for myself. i am in such a foul mood tonight that it is unbelievable. i feel disconnected from everything. i have had a great few weeks though what the hell happened? i mean for real.

i have come to grips with this whole job thing. it is gonna be great as far as for me and the income go. but on the other hand i feel like i am leaving my kids and that doesnt sit well with me. why is that? i wish i knew. i mean jasmine is goin to kindergarten and unless i home school she has to leave and go. which btw i would never home school.. not a chance even where we live. but she will be goin to private school if i have anything to say about it. i just am uneasy about the whole idea. i dont really know why but that is what it is. and as for my little man. ethan deserves some school time to make little buddies and stuff plus he will love it i just know it. it will help with his structure too i am sure of that. plus i have to realize that they will grow up and go to school. i just didnt think that it would go by soooooo fast. it really does. but on the other hand i am excited to start a new chapter in my life as well cause i need to do something for me that will benefit my family as well and this would be it. this is like my foot in the door to become a nurse and that is what i want to do.

ever get really mad and cant get it out? you wanna scream but no one will hear you. i feel that way right now. i thought that bloggin would help that but it is not doin it for me right now. i guess i must go and try another thing....later....

headless chicken....

so lately i have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. i feel like i have to have my world in order before i start to work. which i may be way off base on that one but i like to think that it may just be my minds way of givin me some motivation to get things that are long over due to be done just in fact done. which i got to say feels great. i have been focusing on painting the rooms i have been meaning to get done since november done. so for now jasmines room is painted all but where the builders have to fix. her room turned out sooooo cute. i painted it 3 different colors and then added some daisys around the one color. it is just soo cute more then i expected it to be. i got to say i am really proud of myself and the way it turned out. it looks so much better then i thought it would. and she was soooo excited. she is sooo happy with the turn out of her room that it makes every second of the loss of sleep worth it. ethans room is done being painted. i looooooove the color of it. his will be more exciting once the tree is up. jasmines room is cute paint wise and deco once that part is done. but ethans is cooler deco wise then paint wise. his color is awesome but we are putting a tree in his room made outta sonitube and lots of follige from the fake flower place. cant wait to have it all done. and i also finished the kids bathroom too. it is really cute. did 2 colors and sponge painted some of the walls too. i love it. i made it fun by using a star shaped sponge to sponge with.. anyway that is some of what i have been up to as far as craziness goes..lol! but things are coming along and getting done so yeah for that.... :0)

saturday...

so today i have a million things to do and dont know where to start. ugh! i have so much laundry i feel like i am a laundry person in a jail. like all i do is laundry. though it is my fault cause i slacked off for too long and let it get too much. yikes! and it is bad!!! my basement stairs are full FULL of laundry. i feel like crap about it. i feel like i need like 3 washers and dryers to get it all done. actually i think it would be great to have 2 of each. i mean then i could always be doin to at a time. wow it would go so fast then.
i was hoping to have some me time today to do a little uniform shopping and get my hair done but i can never seem to find anyone to watch my kids for me to do so. it is sad i know it. the girl i usually get to watch em is in florida. so i need to find someone closer to where i will be because i have a bday party to go to after that. then to another party then home. somewhere in between there i have to find a way to get jason some lunch. wow! am i gonna make it through the day or not? lol! anyway!

i wanted to go to the market like we did last weekend it was a blast. having money would have been great but thats ok i prob would have spent too much anyway. then my neighbor and i took the kids to the fountain in town it was so fun the kids had a blast. the fountain was really neat looking. next time i think that i will bring suits for them and a change of clothes though. lol mommy wasnt thinking right that morn. it was a great walk too. anywy off to try and do it all today!!
have a beautiful day all!!! :0)