wednesday.....

ugh! well today has been a crappy day. i just feel like i am not doin so good here. my kids were like animals today and i could not seem to get motivated today to do anything. i feel a bit outta touch with the world right now. i have been workin so hard to get things around here done so much so that i am in such a bad mood. 1 i think is cause i cant seem to get a lick of help outta anyone. and 2 because i guess to everyone my things that i want done are kinda irrational to them. i didnt think that i was gonna be the only one who cared about getting the house painted and the yard mowed and the house in order. now i get that some days we are all lazy and or just down right tired. but darn do we get a break. lets just work together and things will stay done. i feel like the harder i try the less anyone cares. i really am doin it for my family but i guess i need to start doin it for myself. i am in such a foul mood tonight that it is unbelievable. i feel disconnected from everything. i have had a great few weeks though what the hell happened? i mean for real.

i have come to grips with this whole job thing. it is gonna be great as far as for me and the income go. but on the other hand i feel like i am leaving my kids and that doesnt sit well with me. why is that? i wish i knew. i mean jasmine is goin to kindergarten and unless i home school she has to leave and go. which btw i would never home school.. not a chance even where we live. but she will be goin to private school if i have anything to say about it. i just am uneasy about the whole idea. i dont really know why but that is what it is. and as for my little man. ethan deserves some school time to make little buddies and stuff plus he will love it i just know it. it will help with his structure too i am sure of that. plus i have to realize that they will grow up and go to school. i just didnt think that it would go by soooooo fast. it really does. but on the other hand i am excited to start a new chapter in my life as well cause i need to do something for me that will benefit my family as well and this would be it. this is like my foot in the door to become a nurse and that is what i want to do.

ever get really mad and cant get it out? you wanna scream but no one will hear you. i feel that way right now. i thought that bloggin would help that but it is not doin it for me right now. i guess i must go and try another thing....later....

headless chicken....

so lately i have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. i feel like i have to have my world in order before i start to work. which i may be way off base on that one but i like to think that it may just be my minds way of givin me some motivation to get things that are long over due to be done just in fact done. which i got to say feels great. i have been focusing on painting the rooms i have been meaning to get done since november done. so for now jasmines room is painted all but where the builders have to fix. her room turned out sooooo cute. i painted it 3 different colors and then added some daisys around the one color. it is just soo cute more then i expected it to be. i got to say i am really proud of myself and the way it turned out. it looks so much better then i thought it would. and she was soooo excited. she is sooo happy with the turn out of her room that it makes every second of the loss of sleep worth it. ethans room is done being painted. i looooooove the color of it. his will be more exciting once the tree is up. jasmines room is cute paint wise and deco once that part is done. but ethans is cooler deco wise then paint wise. his color is awesome but we are putting a tree in his room made outta sonitube and lots of follige from the fake flower place. cant wait to have it all done. and i also finished the kids bathroom too. it is really cute. did 2 colors and sponge painted some of the walls too. i love it. i made it fun by using a star shaped sponge to sponge with.. anyway that is some of what i have been up to as far as craziness goes..lol! but things are coming along and getting done so yeah for that.... :0)

saturday...

so today i have a million things to do and dont know where to start. ugh! i have so much laundry i feel like i am a laundry person in a jail. like all i do is laundry. though it is my fault cause i slacked off for too long and let it get too much. yikes! and it is bad!!! my basement stairs are full FULL of laundry. i feel like crap about it. i feel like i need like 3 washers and dryers to get it all done. actually i think it would be great to have 2 of each. i mean then i could always be doin to at a time. wow it would go so fast then.
i was hoping to have some me time today to do a little uniform shopping and get my hair done but i can never seem to find anyone to watch my kids for me to do so. it is sad i know it. the girl i usually get to watch em is in florida. so i need to find someone closer to where i will be because i have a bday party to go to after that. then to another party then home. somewhere in between there i have to find a way to get jason some lunch. wow! am i gonna make it through the day or not? lol! anyway!

i wanted to go to the market like we did last weekend it was a blast. having money would have been great but thats ok i prob would have spent too much anyway. then my neighbor and i took the kids to the fountain in town it was so fun the kids had a blast. the fountain was really neat looking. next time i think that i will bring suits for them and a change of clothes though. lol mommy wasnt thinking right that morn. it was a great walk too. anywy off to try and do it all today!!
have a beautiful day all!!! :0)

summer fun...

going to the pool is so much fun. i am so thankful for people who share their pools with the less fortunate..lol! it is such a blessing. it is great to go and hang out and talk and have some good ol fellowship. i love the fact that there are some of us that can just share and hang out and have some real conversation with one and other. sharing everyday life things and helping one and other in life in general. it is great to know that people still care. anyway just wanted to write how i was feeling at the moment. today is a gift not a guarantee. so i am gonna enjoy it to the fullest. thank you god for today!!!

changing....

things around here have been changing. i finally got a job. i got the job that i wanted. i was hunting and hunting and praying for a cna position at a retirement community or hospital. so finally after 2 interviews countless prayers. i got the job i wanted and the shift i wanted. so my training starts in august. i will go to class to be a certified nursing assistant. which really means cleans bed linens poop and pee and helps with the elderly. which for now is great. it is entry level into the field i want to be in.. sooo hahaha! for anyone who doubted me getting where i wanted to be. i love the fact that i will be working. it is a great self esteem builder. which it is great to have some positive self esteem. and i love helping people so it all works out. plus i get to learn more about the medical field. i want to be and LPN in time. and i know that all the praying and working and striving to get there will pay off if that is the plan that god has for me in my life here.

things around here are getting crazy though. not only am i going to be in class for 3ks but my baby girl is starting kindergarten. i am excited but at the same time that means she is growing up too fast. though i do believe that every season is a blessing so i am happy for her but it is a bit sad at the same time. she will soon feel like she does not need momma anymore. that will be a sad sad day. but not gonna think about that. i know she is looking forward to school this little princess that i call jasmine is a smart cookie and she loves to learn. everyone is always telling me how smart they think she is and i gotta say that is a good feeling that others pick up on it to. lol but of course i have a bias opinion.lol!

i am tryin to get all my ducks in a row before i start class and jasmine starts school. we both need uniforms and new shoes before mid august. yikes that outta be fun i tell ya. i am really stoked for the both of us though. it is like a new start for us both. and my little man of course is gonna have a new start too. he is gonna be apart of a class too for the little peeps of course though. i know he is gonna love it to though. he will be needing something to keep his mind off his big sister. he just adores her so much. they are to of the most loving kids i know. no matter what they are always lookin out for each other. i have to get this house all done up before i start working so i feel complete and all i have to do is maitenance to it. that will make 3rd shift, 2 kids, a hubby and a house so much easier.. or at least im hoping. lol! but so far so good.

i am hoping that this will help push this dark cloud away from us. no more sickness and accidents in this family please for awhile. i just wanna strive to be on top of things around here. we need some peace around here. i am not asking to be rich just be ok. that works for me. money in savings and ya know..lol! i believe that god is always testing us and this was a test (yet another) for my faith. when i think that i am being faithful and obidient to god that is when he shows me that i can use improvements. which is great but sometimes i think that it is a little bit much. but i guess that is the only way he can get us to really open our eyes. and be better be more faithful to him and his word. for us to follow his plan. it is like when you have a job and they say " when you get comfortable in your position that is when you get hurt" well sometimes i think that is how it is with faith. when you think that you have a lot of faith and arent really seeking god he shows you that you always should be seeking him and that you need him. so you need to strive to seek him out to stay faithful to him. well it made sense to me..lol! anyway. i am soooo thankful to god that i showed him how serious i was about my life changes that he is giving me this chance to have the job i want and to get us and our family on the right track in this life.. thank you lord....really!!!

the craziest things happen here...

so we had quite an eventful day on monday. my poor little boy was rushed to the hospital. so before i tell you what happened to him, let me paint a picture for you real quick.

first of all as if things arent already hard enough around this house with jason being in the hospital last week and been outta work without pay. that is enough stress on a person. really!

so anyway, the day started off pretty normal for the most part. ethan got up he was whiny and was crying. i was upstairs and asked jasmine "what the heck is wrong with your brother?" she said he was mad cause he couldnt get into his room. well i locked the door cause i painted the night before. so anyway, made breakfast, went back up to watch cartoons in my bed with the kids. ethan seemed like he may have a fever. so when my friend got to the house to drop off her kids i gave ethan some motrin. he seemed to be ok just a bit whiny and feverish. nothing too bad i thought. he was running around playing inside outside inside outside having a good time. then he wanted to sit on my lap so i snuggled him for a few and he layed his head on my shoulder and started to dose it seemed. well then like a min or 2 went by and all of the sudden, he arched his back hands went up in the air and his eyes were lookin straight up at the ceiling. he was making a gurggly sound and it was like he was choking.i said i think he is having a seizure. i started to panic and then jason took him so i could call 911. he stopped breathing for a sec, and was just so outta it. he came to a little bit and by the time i called 911 a min or 2 later they were at the house to help. emt's and ambulance firetruck and cops. it was crazy. i was hysterical, crying, scared shitless and the most terrifying thing that i have ever went through with the kids or anything i think. that was by far the hardest thing to see my kid go through. just not responding to me and limp. the emt's helped him oxygen and stuff then off to the hosp in the ambulance. thank god that they are quick and we live 1 mile from the hosp. they did a check up on him, meds, temp, temp, temp, meds, xrays, an iv, heart stickers. all that, 6 hrs in the er and he has an ear infection. they said that little kids have febrile seizures. it is a fever induced seizure. uuummmm yeah they should call it a parent heart attack seizure.i pray to god that i do not ever have to see my baby like that again. he was scared i was scared. but they said that there is only a 20% chance that it could happen again. i am hopin not at all for this family.

it was such a crazy day. i cant stop thinking about it. i want the thought of it gone outta my mind. i am sooooo exhausted from it all. i am losing sleep thinking about what i could have done different but i dont think that i could have. i love that little boy more then words and cant for the life of me figure out why he has had such a hard time with things. stitches before 2, ambulance ride before 3. i dont get it. he has had it a bit rougher then i had ever imagined for a small little man. we will get through it i know it. god is watching us and has a plan. he is good i know it. i am blessed to have him and jasmine and jason and what we have in our lives. i am not complaining, i am human though. i try not to worry but at some time it can be hard for me not to let it happen.

anyway today he seems to be doin a bit better and back to being himself for the most part. thank you god!!!! please watch over my baby and keep him safe and healthy!!!

talking to an ex....

why is it that no one can really talk to an ex without weirdness or fighting? so we finally got the number to jason's ex and decided to give her a call. Wow! has she still not grown up. i don't get it we called with good intentions but she always seems to make things difficult for us. i called trying to see if i could just talk about stuff. you know the norm....how are you, how is austin, how is life, how is he doing in school ....lalala! just stuff like that. we have been outta touch cause we never know where she is or how to get a hold of her. we have tried so many times with her and still she does not want jason to be apart of his sons life. and thats pretty much what she makes it seem like. i mean it is water under the bridge what has happened in the past but it still is brought up. he is not a bad father, he pays child support and has tried to be apart of his sons life the whole time that we have been together. so really that says something for him, i mean he does have a life and a family here to. he has to work and take care of his life. but that doesnt change the love he has for the kid he never gets to see. at one time she asked us if he would give him up for adoption and he really did not want to. but he thought at another time that maybe it would be best for him and his son. but then after really thinking and praying about it, it just really didnt feel right no matter how much money he has to pay. i do feel like she has something to do with the raise in his support. anyway so i asked for him when i called and she said are you gonna talk to him or is jason. iw as like really chic. anyway i said jason is..... so she said austin do you wanna talk to your dad? he said my dad, is he on there? it was really cute so that just shows that he is curious of jason and wanted to speak to him. so they talked for a few minutes then she got on the phone and then thats is when it went sour. she does that every time. jason said i would like to have him for a wk or two this summer and she said why would he want to he has never left my site. she didnt even ask him. he is at an age that he can make his mind up. i mean it is not like we arent stable here. i just think that she is taking this situation to a bad level. we arent asking for him to move here. just to visit. that is the adult fair parent thing to do. she should be happy that jason is wanting to do more with him. though she has always said no to us. thats not ok. she is really wrong here. i dont understand why she cant be an adult here. jason is a good hard working person and father. i mean really she is making austin suffer cause she hates jason fo rsome lame ass reason. they are both to blame for the relationship not working cause apparently it was never really that good to begin with then you throw a kid on the fire and boooom! but i have faith that the Lord will provide jasons time when it is right for him and his other son to see one and other. ugh! anyway this situation is terrible and it is angry and ugly. i am done for now, i hate this.